Marshall Goldsmith; Mark Reiter. What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful (Profile Books, Ltd. 2013, pp. 134-218).
In the following section we learn a seven-step method for changing our interpersonal relationships and making these changes permanent by
- Feedback
- Apologising
- Telling the World or Advertising
- Listening
- Thanking
- Follow up
- Feedforward
Feedback
Successful people only have two problems dealing with feedback they don’t want to hear it from us and we don’t want to give it to them.
Over 95% of the members in most successful groups believe that they perform in the top half of their group giving people a negative feedback means proving that they are wrong.
Talk about the task not the person but successful people’s identities are often so closely connected to what they do that it’s naive to assume they will not take it personally.We accept feedback that is consistent with our self-image and reject feedback that is inconsistent.
Easy to see why we don’t want to give feedback: successful people have power over us, over our paycheque, our advancement, our job security. The more successful these people are the more power they have. Combine that power with the fairly predictable kill the messenger response to negative feedback and you can see why emperors will continue to rule without clothes.
I have other issues with traditional negative feedback and all of them boil down to the fact that it focuses on the past (a failed past at that), not a positive future. We cannot change the past. We can change the future. Negative feedback exists to prove us wrong. Feedback can be employed by others to reinforce our feelings of failure or at least remind us of them.
Negative feedback shuts us down. We close ranks and shut the world out. Change does not happen in this environment. Feedback is very useful for telling us where we are. Without feedback we wouldn’t have results, we couldn’t keep score, we wouldn’t know if we are getting better or worse.
The 4 commitments
I always get confidential feedback from many of my clients co-workers. The fewest I have ever interviewed is eight the most is 39 the average it’s about 15. I involve my client in determining who should be interviewed each interview last about an hour and focuses on the basics what is my client doing right what does my client need to change and how my client can get even better.
If my client is the CEO I get his or her opinion on who should be interviewed if my client is not the CEO the CEO must also must approve my list of interviewees.
I let the coworker know how my process words by saying I don’t get paid if he doesn’t get better battery is not defined by me it’s not defined by my client battery is defined by you and the other co-workers who will be involved in this process.
People like hearing that they are the customer and they have the power to determine if I get paid.
Then I present the co-workers with four requests
- Let go of the past
- Tell the truth
- Be supportive and helpful not cynical or negative
- Pick something to improve yourself – so everyone is focused more on improving than judging.
Put equal emphasis on changing yourself and the people who will determine whether any change has occurred. You and the people helping you are both equal parts of a delicate equation.
Getting feedback is the easy part dealing with it is hard. Stop asking for feedback and then expressing your opinion. Treat every piece of advice as a gift or a compliment and simply say thank you. No one expects you to act on every piece of advice.
3 forms of feedback:
- Solicited
- Unsolicited
- Observation
Solicited Feedback
In soliciting feedback for yourself, the only question that works—the only one!—must be phrased like this: “How can I do better?”
If you’re lucky every once in awhile something or someone comes along who opens our eyes to our forwards and helps us strip away a delusion or two about ourselves.
The interesting stuff is the information that’s known to others but unknown to us. They are the moments when we can get blindsided by how others really see us, when we discover a truth about ourselves. These blindside moments are rare and precious gifts. They hurt, perhaps (the truth often does), but they also instruct.
We need this painful unsolicited feedback episodes when others reveal how the word really sees us in order to change for the better. Without the pain we might not discover the motivation to change.
It is a whole lot easier to see our problems in others than it is to see them in ourselves.
Even though we may be able to deny our problems to ourselves they may be very obvious the people who are observing us.
As human beings we almost always suffer from the disconnect between the self we think we are and the self that the rest of the world sees us. The rest of the word usually has a more accurate perspective than we do.
Observation:
Every day people are giving us feedback of a sword with their eye contact their body language their response time.
Make a list of people’s casual remarks about you.
For one day write down all the comments that you hear people make to you about you, for example: “oh that was really smart“ or “you’re late” “are you listening to me?”
At the end of the day review the list and read each comment as positive or negative maybe some patterns will emerge. You are learning something about yourself without soliciting it. It’s honest and true. Then do it again the next day and the next. Eventually you’ll compile enough data about yourself to establish the challenge before you.
Turn the sound off and observe how people physically deal with you. Do they lean towards you or away? Do they listen when you have the floor or are they drumming their fingers waiting for you to finish? Are they trying to impress you or are they barely aware of your presence?
Feedback tells us what to change, not how to do it. But when you know what to change, you’re ready to start changing yourself and how people perceive you. You’re ready for the next step: telling everyone you’re sorry.
Apologising
I regard apologising as the most magical, healing, restorative gesture human beings can make.
Without the apology there is no recognition that mistakes have been made, there is no announcement to the world of the intention to change, and there is no emotional contract between you and the people you care about.
Instruction Manual:
Say: “I am sorry”
Add: “I’ll try to do better in the future” – not absolutely necessary, but when you let go of the past, it’s nice to hint a brighter future.
And then…. add nothing.
Don’t explain, don’t complicate, don’t qualify it.
If you talk more, you only risk saying something that will dilute it.
When it comes to apologising, the only sound advice is get in and get out as quickly as possible. You’ve got plenty of other things to do before you change for the better.
Telling the World or Advertising
After you apologise you must advertise.
It’s a lot harder to change people’s perception of your behavior than it is to change your behavior.
You have to get 100% better to get 10% credit for it from your coworkers.
We view people in a manner that is consistent with our previously existing stereotypes, whether it is positive or negative. If I think you’re an arrogant jerk, everything you do will be filtered through that perception. If you do something wonderful and saintly, I will regard it as the exception to the rule; you’re still an arrogant jerk. Within that framework it’s almost impossible for us to be perceived as improving, no matter how hard we try.
However, the odds improve considerably if you tell people that you are trying to change. Suddenly, your efforts are on their radar screen. You’re beginning to chip away at their preconceptions. Your odds improve again if you tell everyone how hard you’re trying, and repeat the message week after week.
Your odds improve even more if you ask everyone for ideas to help you get better. Now your coworkers become invested in you; they pay attention to you to see if you’re paying attention to their suggestions.
Eventually the message sinks in and people start to accept the possibility of a new improved you. It’s a little like the tree falling in the forest. If no one hears the thud, does it make a sound? The apology and the announcement that you’re trying to change are your way of pointing everyone in the direction of the tree.
There is no point in creating a great new product if you can’t get the message out to the buying public. You have to tell the word hey I’m over here.
You are about to create a new you. Do you think people will buy that without a good advertising campaign?
When you are attempting to change it’s like a politician making headlines for introducing new legislation. If you have a new initiative at work you have to do something dramatic to announce it. What could be more theatrical than telling people that you are sorry for some transgression and you will try to do better in the future especially people who think you cannot change?
You can’t just apologise and say you are trying to do better just once. You have to drill it into people repeatedly until they have internalised the concept. Repeating the message relentlessly works.
Listening
Think before you speak
The first active choice you have to make in listening is to think before you speak. You cannot listen if you are talking.
Francis Hesselbein: you could tell her the world was about to end and she would think before opening her mouth, not only about what she would say, but how she would phrase it.
Listening is a two-part manoeuvre: there is the part where you actually listen and there is the part where we speak. What we say is proof of how well we listen. This approach is anything, but a highly active decisive choice. Telling your brain and mouth not to do something is no different than telling them to do it.
Has this ever happened to you? You are seemingly listening to your partner, only your eyes are at a different place, so your partner says “you’re not listening to me” and then you say “yes I am”, and kindly provide the verbatim playback of everything said to prove that you were listening and that your companion in life is wrong.
What have you accomplished by this display of your multitasking skills? Was it smart? No. Does your partner think more highly of you? Not likely. Is anyone impressed? Hardly. The only thing going through your partners mind is “Gee, I thought you weren’t listening, but now I realise it’s a much deeper issue. You’re a complete jerk.”
It’s not enough to keep our ears open, we have to demonstrate that we are totally engaged.
Ask yourself: “Is it worth it?”
Answer a difficult question before we speak: is it worth it? The trouble with listening for many of us is that while we are supposedly doing it, we are actually busy composing what you are going to say next.
This is a double negative: you are not only failing to hear the other person, you are orchestrating a comment that may annoy them. Either because it misses the point and adds meaningless value to the discussion, or, best of all, inject a destructive tone into the mix.
Asking “is it worth it?” forces you to consider what the other person will feel after hearing your response. It forces you to play at least two moves ahead.
Asking “is it worth it?” engages you in thinking beyond the discussion to consider
- how the person regards you
- what the person will do afterwards and
- how the person will behave the next time you talk.
That’s what happens when you respond without asking “is it worth it?”: people not only think you do not listen, but they are hurt, they harbour your feelings towards the person, who inflicted the hurt. In the predictable response to negative reinforcement they are less likely to repeat the event that is they will not speak up next time.
In effect, you are taking the age old question of self-interest: what’s in it for me? One step further to ask: what’s in it for him?
The weird part is that all of us at every level of success already know this.
So the question is, why don’t you do it? Answer: we forget, we are distracted, we don’t have the mental discipline to make it automatic.
Thanking
Thanking works because it expresses one of our most basic emotions: gratitude. When someone does something nice for you, they expect gratitude—and they think less of you for withholding it. Just think about the last time you gave someone a gift. If they forgot to thank you for it, how did you feel about them? Fine human being? Or ungrateful s.o.b.?
The best thing about saying “Thank you” is that it creates closure in any potentially explosive discussion. What can you say after someone thanks you? The only response is to utter two of the most gracious, inviting, and sweet words in the language: “You’re welcome.”
Following Up
Once you master the art of apologising advertising listening and thanking you must follow up relentlessly. “Last month I told you that I would try to get better at being more inclusive I would like to know if you think I have effectively put them into practice“
Your colleagues eventually begin to accept that you are getting better not because you say so but because it’s coming from their lips. When I tell you “I’m getting better” I believe it. When I ask you “am I getting better?“ And you say I am, then you believe it.
Follow-up is how you measure your progress. Follow-up is how we remind people that we are making an effort to change, and that they are helping us. Follow-up is how our effort eventually get imprinted on our colleagues minds. Follow-up is how we erase our co-workers skepticism that we can change.
More than anything follow-up makes us do it.
Why follow-up works
First lesson: not everyone responds to executive development; some people are trainable some aren’t.
Why an executive would go through a training, promise to implement what they learnt and then not do it. They failed to implement the changes because they were simply too busy. After the training session, they all returned to their offices to find piles of messages to return, reports to read and write, clients and customers to call. They were distracted by the day-to-day demands of their job.
Second lesson: there is an enormous disconnect between understanding and doing. One huge false assumption: if people understand then they will do. That’s not true. For example, we all understand that being grossly overweight is bad for our health, but not all of us actually do anything to change our condition.
When leaders did little or no follow-up with their subordinates, there was little or no perceived change in the leaders effectiveness. When leaders consistently followed up, the perception of their effectiveness jumped dramatically.
Third lesson: people don’t get better without follow-up.
Peter Drucker prediction that “the leader of the future will be a person who knows how to ask”. Leaders who ask for input on a regular basis are seen as increasing in effectiveness. Leaders who don’t follow up are not necessarily bad leaders. They are just not perceived as getting better.
Becoming a better leader or a better person is a process, not any event. The process is a lot like physical exercise. Imagine having out of shape people sit in a room and listen to a speech on the importance of exercising, then watch some tips on how to exercise. Would you be surprised if all the people in the room were still unfit a year later? The source of physical fitness is not understanding the theory of working out. It is engaging in regular exercise.
Feedforward
Here is very are:
You have identified the interpersonal habit that’s holding you back. You have apologised for whatever errant behavior has annoyed the people who matter to you. You’ve continued to advertise your intention to change. You have also mastered essential skills of listening and thanking. You have learnt how to be more diligent about follow-up. Now you are ready for feedforward.
4 steps:
- Pick the one behaviour that you would like to change, which would make a significant positive difference in your life.
- Describe this objective in a one-to-one dialogue with anyone you know. The person you choose is irrelevant. They do not have to be expert on the subject. Some of the truest advice can come from strangers.
- Ask that person for two suggestions for the future that might help you achieve a positive change in your selective behaviour.
- Listen attentively to the suggestions. Your only ground rules: you are not allowed to judge, rate, or critique the suggestions in anyway. You cannot even say something positive, such as, “that is a good idea” The only response you’re permitted is “thank you.”
You are not limited to one person. You can do FF with as many people you want. It will dramatically increase the chance of getting an accurate picture of what you are doing wrong.
Feedback has its virtues. It is a great tool for determining what happened in the past and what is going on in an organisation. It is no different than reading history, which teaches us how we all arrived here right now in this moment. Like reading history, it provides us with affect about the past but not necessarily ideas for the future.
Feedforward shrinks the discussion down to the intimate sphere of two human beings. I do not establish what you need to do to change for the better. You do not establish it either. Everyone around you does: everyone, who knows you, cares about you, thinks about you.
Feedforward eliminates many of the obstacles that traditional feedback has created. It works because, while they do not particularly like hearing criticism, successful people love getting ideas for the future.
It works because we can change the future but not the past. It works because when we receive feedforward, all we have to do is function as a listener. We can focus on hearing without having to worry about responding. When all you are allowed to say is thank you, you do not have to worry about composing a clever response.
You also are not permitted to interrupt, which makes you a more patient listener. Practicing feedforward makes us “shut up and listen” while others are speaking.
However, feedforward is a two-way street—and it is designed to protect as well as bring out the best in the people who are providing it. After all, who among us doesn’t enjoy giving helpful suggestions when asked? The key is when asked. Feedforward forces us to ask—and in doing so, we enlarge our universe of people with useful ideas. Asking, of course, gives the other person a license to answer.
More than anything, feedforward creates the two-way traffic I love to see in the workplace, the spirit of two colleagues helping each other rather than a superior being providing a critique. It’s the feeling that when we help another person, we help ourselves.
Feedforward strongest element is that it does not permit you to bring up the past ever.
The best thing about feedforward is that it overcomes the two biggest obstacles we face with negative feedback—the fact that successful people in dominant positions don’t want to hear it (no matter what they say, bosses prefer praise to criticism) and that their subordinates rarely want to give it (criticising the boss, no matter how ardently he or she tells you to “bring it on,” is rarely a great career move).
I am not suggesting that we should always let go of the past. You need feedback to scour the past and identify room for improvement. But you can’t change the past. To change you need to be sharing ideas for the future. Race car drivers are taught, “Look at the road, not the wall.” That’s what feedforward does. Who knows? Not only may it help you win the race, but you’ll definitely have a better trip around the track.